Comfort with Complexity
I remember my now 21-year-old son in fifth grade struggling to make friends in a new school that separated the boys and the girls for classes.
We spent weeks leading to months talking about it. “What’s better, mom, lots of shallow friendships if I join the popular group or fewer friends that I feel connected to? How can I even be friends with people who interrupt learning and disrespect our teacher and each other? Also, I get so angry at it all – and I just really miss…”
He learned so much from the process. He stopped lamenting that there weren’t girls in the classroom to help deal with the unruly boys. Instead, he grew the skill of moderating the harsh boys’ influence. He learned how to focus on learning amidst classroom shenanigans. He dealt with the annoyance he felt when some classmates were disrespecting their teacher by starting to do extra simple things to support her. He realized he couldn’t change their cruelty on the soccer field and help them become a better team. In this case, he left the team. He learned from his older brother how to help a friend who was being physically bullied without getting in trouble himself. Most importantly, he found that he only needed a couple of good friends instead of a large group of buddies. He and two other boys found each other, and they were able to develop a fun and meaningful friend group.
His example shows that many decisions require an integrated, comfortable consideration among competing values as we bring multiple parts of ourselves and our values into our lives through our actions.
I encourage clients to bring their whole, complex and sometimes conflicted selves to whatever decision or situation they face. Any of us can easily fall into silencing or ignoring a part of ourselves when we face the distressing realities of decision making.
People, decisions and situations are inherently mixed and complex. This is normal and healthy. Fear need not control us here. Comfort with complexity helps us see clearly and choose wisely from a place of deep understanding of what might be gained and what might be lost in choosing a specific option.
Addressing complexity piece by piece gives us the freedom and power to live and choose as best we can in any situation. Day after day, my son learned and developed the capacity to bring his whole, seemingly contradictory, self – thoughts, emotions, desires and values – to an important part of his life. In the end, his multiple values of mutual respect, learning, integrity and fun came to life.
This work isn’t easy or simple. It takes a commitment to your own thriving and to the thriving of your organization and communities. It takes an internal knowing that setting a piece of yourself aside isn’t what is best for you – or for anyone around you.